Darkness

A few weeks ago we moved the babies from our bed into two pack n' plays in our room so we could all try to get better sleep. They were beginning to wake every three hours, sometimes sooner and it seemed like my sleep deficit continued to increase. I tried to convince Kevin that something had to give, but he was not ready to move them into their cribs just yet.

Yesterday was by far the worst day to date for me with the twins. I tried from 9 am until 2 in the evening to get them down for a nap with very little success. Just as I would get one to sleep the other one would start to cry. This turned into a very vicious cycle and both were exhausted but continued to fight.

I remember laying there in bed with them next to me screaming until they were red in the face with tears streaming down their little pudgy cheeks. I was completely paralyzed by the sounds of their cries. A good ten minutes passed and I tried to compose myself, caressing them both in my arms and carrying them out to the rocking chair in the living room. My lowest, darkest parenting moment. We rocked. And we all three cried together, me wishing I was somewhere else or anyone else than who and where I was at that actual moment. I was questioning why God would do this to me; he surely should know that I'm not equipped to handle two of them - there was only supposed to be one.

Kevin tried to get in contact with me all day by phone and I didn't have the energy to talk...or argue. I guess eventually he got worried enough to where he left work and came home to check on us. There I sat on the couch, eating my first "meal" of the day while both babies were in hysterics, and this was at two o'clock. We had a nice long talk about how I needed either more or better quality sleep. I expressed how I felt I always had to be "on", even during the night. He is such a sound sleeper he honestly does not hear their cries, even when they are right next to him.

We finally decided it was a good idea to put them down for the night in their room and in their own cribs. When bedtime came we rocked them to sleep and went according to plan. God must have had pity on me and gave me a break. Carter woke up hungry at around 1:30. We are somewhat convinced that Brennan might have slept through the night, but we chose to wake him for the feeding with his brother just in case.

The next time I heard a cry it was close to 6 a.m. and once again it was Mr. Carter who was hungry. Brennan was still sleeping like a rock. Hopefully tonight goes just as smoothly.

I'll have to save the failure of their ability to nap for my next post. Naptime equals one big, fat fail!

Mommy's Time Out

After a pretty long and trying week with the boys, I decided I needed a small break. Actually, I broke down. I tried calling my mom at work, but she was teaching one of her classes for trainees in her department. I wound up calling my dad and ended up in tears and barely able to mutter or construct a few sentences while gasping for air. Ugh. I guess it was a long time comin'!

I managed to get my point across somewhere in my blubbering. I asked if they could watch the babies on Saturday and they very happily agreed to. Evan was supposed to go to Kevin's mom and dad's house, but they ended up already having plans, so he went down to my parents' house too. They survived with all three of them, but had plenty of hands on deck to help out; Uncle Dude (my brother Josh), Uncle Nate, and also Uncle Nate's practically live-in girlfriend, Tiffany.

I got everyone all packed up and into the car around 8:30 in the morning to make the one hour drive to drop them off. While I was doing that, Kevin stayed home and picked up the house, which by the way must've had more explosions within. I was gone for a total of three hours round trip. I came home to find Kevin snoring himself into a wonderful nap. I decided to join him, but only managed to get a little over an hour of sleep. Not exactly catching me up on my sleep deficit, but nice nonetheless.

After getting up, we headed out for lunch at P.F. Chang's and planned on catching a movie afterward. Lunch was yummy, but the stars weren't exactly aligning for our movie date. Turns out there is nothing playing right now that we wanted to see. We decided to head over to the mall and relax in the Borders bookstore. I browsed cookbooks while Kevin flipped through magazines.

From there, we were craving dessert, so we headed across the upper level of the mall and walked our childless, happy selves into The Cheesecake Factory. I'm not a fan of cheesecake, so I opted for some sort of chocolately goodness. The name escapes me, but it was a huge piece, the cake itself seemed like it was a mile high. Kevin ordered the Snickers cheesecake.

From there we really weren't sure what to do with ourselves. It was too early to pick up the kids, so we headed into Babies R Us to get Evan some pajamas, poor kid had outgrown most of his. After that we decided it was probably time to bring ourselves back to reality and headed down to get the kids.

It's kind of funny how things worked out though. I needed a whole new fall/winter wardrobe since Kevin ruined my entire one from last year (don't ask, that's a whole other story and I still get upset about it!) I also need new shoes of all kinds. My feet feel like they grew a whole size from this last pregnancy and I never really noticed because I all but lived in flip flops. Now that the weather is turning a bit cooler, I tried putting on a pair of my old tennis shoes and my toes felt like they were going to go right through the front of the shoe. Well, back to my point...the thought never crossed our minds to do something we actually needed to do, which was all sorts of bliss.

For once we didn't have to focus on what needed to get done, who was crying or hungry, what bills needed to be paid, etc. For the first time in a long time we took the time to just relax and were able to do things spur of the moment and really enjoy ourselves. It was so wonderful not to dread the one million steps needed just to get out of the car and into a store before pulling into the parking lots.

Today's Monday...and it's back to the grind around this place. It was nice while it lasted!

The Explosion! and the "Big Salad"

Yeah, I think someone crammed a bunch of clothes, dishes, toys and anything and everything else you would find in our house into a giant bomb...and proceeded to ignite it in every room of our house.

I'm completely serious. Things are a disaster around here tonight. It was perfectly clean yesterday, how could this all happen in less than twenty four hours? I'm not even going to lie and tell you that I'm about to clean it all up right now either. And probably not tomorrow. I'm simply running on fumes these past few days and just don't have the energy.

Right now the plan is to take all three kids down to PawPaw Gamma's (that's how Evan refers to my parents' house) and leave Kevin at home. You know. Because he needs some time to himself. Right. Can you hear my eyes rolling around in my head yet? He did say he was willing to clean the house though, so I'm willing to let him have his "alone time".


Anyone remember that Seinfeld episode where George buys Elaine the "big salad" and his girlfriend ends up handing her the salad and accepting the thank you for it? George ended up getting upset because he wanted Elaine to know that he actually purchased it, and not his girlfriend. This happened to me tonight, not with a salad though.

I swear, most things in my life can be referenced to a Seinfeld episode. My dad was rushed to the hospital Sunday night because he thought he was having a stroke. Turns out he was having a diabetic attack (he was not previously diagnosed with diabetes). Those of you that happen to know my dad also know that he l.o.v.e.s his sweets, so this is going to be an extremely difficult adjustment for him. My brother and I went to the store on Tuesday night to pick up some healthy(er) snacks that would fit into his new lifestyle and diet. I ended up spending a hundred dollars on food and also spent another fifty on books and cookbooks at Borders today.

On Tuesday night, my brother called my dad and agreed to go shopping with my parents to help them plan out some meals and get some dietary staples. They made the plans for tonight, so my brother left the house around 3:30 this afternoon. Before leaving, he had also stopped by a bookstore and picked up a cookbook.

I fixed up a really cute gift basket with all of the goodies I had purchased along with the book my brother bought him. Jared said he wanted to take everything down there tonight, which is fine...but I was the one who bought 95% of the stuff it contained and he is going to get all of the praise for it. Hmph. I kind of do and don't care. I did it for my dad and that's all that really matters, but I would have loved to be able to see him rifle through it all and get excited. I secretly want him to know that I bought him the "big salad" and put most of the effort into it. Wow, I probably sound like a major brat. Oh well. It's the thought that counts, right?

The Best and Worst of Both Ends

I would just like to inform you that Evan has been asking to pee in the potty a few times a day and always manages to squeeze something out. This has been going on for about 2 weeks. Well today #2 made it's first appearance. I'll spare you the details, but we are super proud of our big boy!

Here's a poop funny for you...one of Evan's "memorable moments" last week from daycare read as follows: Evan was so cute today. He made us laugh so much! When we asked the kids to get in a line to go outside and play, Evan said "I can't, I'm pooping!" He is so funny.


Now to change the gears from potty talk, Brennan and Carter have had some not so fun times here lately. The poor little guys, I just put two and two together a few days ago when I had a strong suspicion the 24/7 fussiness and crying was due to reflux. We ended up calling the after hours doctor line and the nurse said that's what it sounded like to her too and to make an appointment with our doctor the next day.

I called our pediatrician's office the following morning and talked to a really crabby nurse who claimed I wasn't burping my babies enough. Yeah...whatever! I was so mad, I couldn't even respond to her and promptly called Kevin at work. He called the office and ended up talking to the same nurse and demanded to have an appointment the same day. We ended up getting in :)

Our pediatrician wasn't in, but we were able to see Dr. C, who we've seen a few times before. He believes whole heartedly that they have reflux (poor Brennan's outfit was soaked by the time he made it into the exam room. Our doctor doesn't usually like to give medicine until other options have been ruled out, so knowing this, Dr. C had us switch to a name brand version of the generic formula we were supplementing with. He gave us a whole flat of samples and one can of a ready to feed version in a different variety to have on hand if the first one didn't work out.

We ended up busting out the second kind tonight. The boys were still protesting the name brand version. It is really weird to watch. The kick their feet to get their tiny backs to arch while pulling away from the bottle nipple. They also have a look on their face like you are trying to force feed them poison or something. Oh, and how can I forget the (what seems like) gallons of spit-up?

This kind has rice added into the mixture, which turns to a solid and sits in their bellies a lot better than just pure liquid. They seemed to have tolerated this one a lot better, although they did do the arched back thing a few times during the feeding.

I guess we'll use the rest of that tonight and also some of the breast milk that's in the refrigerator (they don't have too much of problem with that either) and head to the store for more of the second formula. In the mean time, I'm going to pump and nurse my booty off to try and up my supply and get myself closer to keeping up with what they are consuming.

Belated 2 Months

The boys had their two month check-up on Monday. I guess I have little peanuts; Carter weighed 9 pounds 14 ounces (10th percentile) and Brennan weighed 10 pounds 4 ounces (25th percentile). They both got three shots and one oral immunization.

That afternoon was pure bliss as they both slept for about five hours straight. I took some much needed "me time" and spent it goofing off online, watching tv, and sleeping. However, after those five hours elapsed was pure hell. They both woke up screaming their tiny peanut heads off and also had raging fevers. I eventually called Kevin and begged him to blow off the last half hour of work - I needed reinforcements.

Other than that, there's not too much exciting news going on around here. Same stuff, different day.

I took Evan to an independent league baseball game last week. The River City Rascals stadium is only about ten minutes from us, so I decided to try a game out with Ev, we took Uncle Jared with us too. Daddy stayed home to man the zoo.

The first half of the game was interesting, Evan didn't really care to watch even though we had front row seats directly behind home plate. He decided he absolutely needed a small bouncy ball from one of those little quarter machines. That lasted about two innings until it bounced under the row of seats and rolled into the gutter system. That was the end of that.

I then decided to take him up to the concession stand to get something to eat...and get his mind off of that stupid bouncy ball. On our way up the stairs a fell ball literally fell right in front of him. I remember him saying "Oooh, BALL!" as he bent down to pick it up.

The middle portion of the game was alright. We somehow managed to get Evan to watch a little bit and cheer the Rascals on. But soon it started to get late and everything from there was down hill, except the part where he was blissfully eating his chocolate Dippin' Dots of course.

The nice lady behind us apparently thought Uncle Jared was Daddy. She was pointing his direction and saying, "Look, Daddy wants you." Evan looked over and saw someone in the distance who had facial hair like Kevin. He was so tired he was convinced this was his Dad and didn't understand why he wasn't coming over to sit with us. The tears started flowing and the screams of "DADDY! DADDY!" echoed through the stadium. It was time to go.

I don't think we'll be going to a game again for a long time, but Kevin and the grandparents all thought it was really neat that Evan got a foul ball at his first baseball game.

Can I call a time out?

These past few days have been extremely trying for me. The boys have definitely flown right into that oh-so-lovely fussy stage without looking back. Life is complicated and wearing me out.

Both boys have taken a liking to screaming, not crying, any time you aren't holding them. Problem: I only have one set of arms. Solution: There isn't one. This leaves me in quite the pickle on a daily basis. Everyone who comes to visit and witnesses this behavior thanks their lucky stars that they aren't living in this house.

Which brings me to another topic. We are having a house guest for the entire month of September. His name is Jared and he is one of my younger brothers. He is currently in his last year of his pharmacy studies and on his way to becoming a doctor. This entire last year is to be spent in residency, and a new company or job every month. He is usually out in Kansas City with his girlfriend, Ronna. However, this month his residency rotation landed him back in the St. Louis area. Our house is closer to work for him than my mom and dad's so he will be spending most of his time here with us.

I could use the help, quite honestly...so I am excited to have someone who knows how to cook and clean and not afraid/very willing to help out when needed. And boy do we need it!

This weekend we spent a lot of time getting the finished part of the basement into a bedroom-ish type of space. We have put a mini fridge with freezer down there, he has a large flat screen tv, couch, very nice desk, and a bed with trundle (in case his girlfriend decides to come into town and stay). We also put together Evan's big boy room. Very cute! I will try to add some pics to this post once I find the time to download them from my camera. It is bear/camp themed.

Kevin is pretty excited because the twin bed headboard and dresser set are his from when he was younger. It actually goes with the motif quite well. He is currently sleeping in the big boy bed and went down without an inkling of a fight! If I weren't too tired to do or feel anything right now, I would probably be overwhelmed with joy. Instead I am just relieved to have a moment to unwind all to myself.

Tomorrow I must catch up on laundry and clean out Evan's bathroom and bathtub of all toys, etc. We are almost out of clean towels. Ha, I don't actually expect anyone to care about that last part, unless you have to smell any of us if we do happen to run out, just kind of thinking in print.

Hallelujah for having all three babies in bed at a decent hour for once! Oh heavenly silence, I welcome you!

So..yeah...that birth story!

Here ya go!

I had a c-section scheduled for 9:30 a.m. on July 6th. I had a pretty decent holiday weekend before that. Mom and dad came to the house and we grilled some brats, had strawberry shortcake and ice cream, etc. We live in a pretty pyromaniac-ish town, so fortunately every year some neighbors a few streets in front of our house have huge firework display battles. Each house tries to out-do their neighbors and it all ends up just as good as going to a city sponsored fireworks show - all from the comfort of our home and driveway. I was so miserable there was no way I could have gone anywhere, so this worked out great!

Monday morning rolled around and we had to be at the hospital an hour before my surgery time. Kevin had dropped Evan off at Nonna's (grandma) house the night before to make things easier on us. I slept surprisingly well and was actually quite relaxed when it came time to make the trip down the hall and into the operating room.

Kevin waited outside while the anesthesiologist did her thing and then was brought into the room so the surgery could begin. I have to say, in retrospect it was a weird experience. I'm not sure if the power of my mind did this, or if it was an effect of the drugs, but I was super calm and the whole day is quite foggy.

I remember Dr. K asking if I could feel anything and after answering no, she proceeded to make the incision. Fourteen minutes later Brennan Michael was born at 9:44 weighing 6 pounds and 6 ounces and measured 19.7 inches long. A minute later at 9:45 Carter Matthew entered this world and weighed in at 6 pounds and 1 ounce, measuring longer than his (slightly) older brother at an astounding 20.5 inches.

I very distinctly remember hearing their first squeals (no, they were not cries) and I remember saying that I must have given birth to little baby pigs. I peeked over to the nurses and saw that I had adorable baby boys instead, thankfully. I also recall one of them peeing while Dr. K was handing him to a nurse - right over my sterile field and open belly. Thank goodness pee is sterile, although I'm not sure if any of it actually landed inside of me.

They ended up suctioning more than five pounds of fluid from me while on the table. The nurses were quite shocked. I remember asking them if that was a lot and they all replied with a resounding yes.

I couldn't really hear what the staff was saying while I was in surgery, but I could hear them talking. I later found out that my blood pressure was really high. My doctor attributed it to me being nervous about surgery, but also commented on how calm I seemed. Somewhere along the line they also found that my uric acid levels were elevated. If you don't know where this is going, they found out I was pre-eclamptic while on the operating table.

I was wheeled into a recovery room and barely remember any of this part. Grandparents came to visit and later that evening I was sent to a postpartum room. It was HUGE! Much better than my tiny little shoebox of a room that I had when Evan was born. I guess they had sympathy on me for getting two babies at once. We definitely needed the space.

The nursing staff continued to check my blood pressure and it was almost never anywhere near a good level. Later that week after my levels never dropped, I was placed on some medicine to help stabilize it.

We came home that Friday morning and I am happy to report that at 7 or so weeks later, I feel great! The boys are growing and putting on weight, although they had a rocky start due to some breastfeeding/letdown issues. I am now almost exclusively pumping, but am unable to keep up with what they are consuming. They get all mommy's milk during the day and formula for two to three bottles at night.

I am SO glad I didn't have the twins as my first pregnancy, otherwise we probably would have stopped with them. It has been a much easier adjustment since we already knew what to expect (although not multiplied by two!) and we are settling into our new life with our wonderful family.