Darkness

A few weeks ago we moved the babies from our bed into two pack n' plays in our room so we could all try to get better sleep. They were beginning to wake every three hours, sometimes sooner and it seemed like my sleep deficit continued to increase. I tried to convince Kevin that something had to give, but he was not ready to move them into their cribs just yet.

Yesterday was by far the worst day to date for me with the twins. I tried from 9 am until 2 in the evening to get them down for a nap with very little success. Just as I would get one to sleep the other one would start to cry. This turned into a very vicious cycle and both were exhausted but continued to fight.

I remember laying there in bed with them next to me screaming until they were red in the face with tears streaming down their little pudgy cheeks. I was completely paralyzed by the sounds of their cries. A good ten minutes passed and I tried to compose myself, caressing them both in my arms and carrying them out to the rocking chair in the living room. My lowest, darkest parenting moment. We rocked. And we all three cried together, me wishing I was somewhere else or anyone else than who and where I was at that actual moment. I was questioning why God would do this to me; he surely should know that I'm not equipped to handle two of them - there was only supposed to be one.

Kevin tried to get in contact with me all day by phone and I didn't have the energy to talk...or argue. I guess eventually he got worried enough to where he left work and came home to check on us. There I sat on the couch, eating my first "meal" of the day while both babies were in hysterics, and this was at two o'clock. We had a nice long talk about how I needed either more or better quality sleep. I expressed how I felt I always had to be "on", even during the night. He is such a sound sleeper he honestly does not hear their cries, even when they are right next to him.

We finally decided it was a good idea to put them down for the night in their room and in their own cribs. When bedtime came we rocked them to sleep and went according to plan. God must have had pity on me and gave me a break. Carter woke up hungry at around 1:30. We are somewhat convinced that Brennan might have slept through the night, but we chose to wake him for the feeding with his brother just in case.

The next time I heard a cry it was close to 6 a.m. and once again it was Mr. Carter who was hungry. Brennan was still sleeping like a rock. Hopefully tonight goes just as smoothly.

I'll have to save the failure of their ability to nap for my next post. Naptime equals one big, fat fail!